Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Welcome aboard..

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In a month or two I will be on my way to Australia again and I will hear the voice of my captain speaking with that typically Australian accent, which is getting more and more familiar to me!!

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.'

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted.'

From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. '

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.'

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. '

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine.


Dina said...

Lucky you! I am overdue for a return visit to Bondi. I still haven't met my second Aussie grandson and he is already six months old. Where does your daughter live?

reader Wil said...

My daughter lives in Cooktown in North Queensland. She has 3 children in the age of 11, 9 and 6. Do you have a son or daughter in Australia? When are you going to Australia?

Old Lady Lincoln said...

Good for you. Hope you have a safe and lovely trip. And a wonderful time while there.

Love the remarks made by some of the employees.

Janice Thomson said...

This was hilarious. Things like that really do happen. My friend and I were waiting to board a plane here in Canada when the pilot stopped and asked my friend if she knew where he had parked the plane. When she didn't answer because of shock he turned and could be heard mumbling down the corridor 'oh my god I have no idea where I put that plane.' It took me fifteen minutes to calm her down and convince her he was really joking.
Enjoy your trip Wil!

reader Wil said...

Thank you Patty. I'll leave on 15th of July. So I have still some time!

reader Wil said...

Well that's a funny story Janice! It must be a small plane if the pilot couldn't find it! It reminds me of something that happened in 2006. My daughter met me in Cairns after my flight from Tokyo and we were to fly to Cooktown in one of those small planes that can accomodate 10 people. We were the only passengers. The captain was the only crew member. He showed us all the things we had to do in case of an emergency and started the engine. Apparently there was something wrong because a red light appeared. He shouted to us :" It'll take a while, no worries"! He took a manual put it on his lap and tried to find out what the problem was. He found out what he had to do and started the engine again! We arrived safely in Cooktown.

Dina said...

Gee Reader Wil, thanks for all your dear comments!
My daughter and her husband have two boys, 4 1/2 and 6 months. They were working on their doctorate when the first was born, so I stayed with them for a whole year as a live-in grandma. The boy and I developed a very special bond. I like Australia but not to live there forever. Last time I had a one-year round-the-world ticket for "only" US$1800. Hoping the kids will come home to Israel, at least for a visit, and save me a trip to Oz.
What is it about Australia that draws our children to it? sigh...

Dina said...

Maybe you would like to join the other 100+ bloggers in ABC Wednesday? It's fun and you meet new people. Next week is letter S.
The host is where you can find the easy instruction to play.

mrsnesbitt said...

Hey we are travelling at the end of June, we are coming to stay near Assen. We are coming for the MotoGP..look out for us, we will be on a motorbike! LOL!

mrsnesbitt said...

P.S>...yes would be great to have you aboard ABC Wednesday!
next letter is S!

reader Wil said...

Thank you mrsnesbitt, it'll be nice to start writing entries starting with the letter "S".
I hope you'll have a wonderful time in Assen. I shall watch TV and see the motor races! Wear something very colourful so that I recognize you!LOL

Andrea said...

Interesting post.